Enough is enough, or Yes, you look fine, now go away

So I took a little sabbatical from my blog, which came from a revelatory period of self-evaluation. I’d had too much of myself. I started this year thinking I wanted a daily project, a focus to help me see things in a new way. So I started a self-portrait a day, and dutifully took/photoshopped/imagined a new concept for a pose every day. In my head, this was to become a great exploration of all the many ways one can view “self”. In reality I began to get rather tired of looking at my own face.

At that point, my 45th birthday actually, I continued to take a daily photo, but I did not post them. My intent was to create a montage of images; “first 45 of 45”, or just a montly synopsis. To spare everyone the daily email with my face in it (certainly others were yearning for that freedom as much as I was at this point).  Instead, a monthly email with many of my faces would be much better, right? But then I realized something. I liked not looking at photos of myself every day. I liked not peering into every reflection, noticing every odd angle at which I could see my feet, or my hair, or my hand intertwined with my husband’s, and losing the moment because my brain said “oooh, I need to get my camera!” I liked being free from the daily contemplation of me.

And worst of all, this focus made me a bit more hesitant to take out my camera, to take it on outings, to explore my world through the lens.

So I learned that, for now, there are enough photos of me out there. When more seem appropriate, there will be more. 

For now, I’ll sit and look at the beautiful post-rain scene that is my backyard, listen to the birds welcoming the day, and contemplate my arm resting on the arm of the couch, orange-hued against the green of the fabric, mimicking the orange and brown colors of the deck and the terra cotta planter backlit by the green of our freshly-painted deck railing and the brighter green of the abundant new growth of the trees. I’ll contemplate it, and then I’ll let it go, and that will be enough.

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