My Daughter’s Ridiculous Response to a Graded Computer Essay, or, Most Excellent

I keep telling Peregrine she needs to write ridiculously long sentences with ridiculously long words in order to flummox that stupid computerized grader.  Well, folks, here are the results of her first efforts in that direction, and I was literally rolling with laughter.  And, in case you think her effort was for naught, she got the best writing grade she’s ever gotten on such an automatedly-graded assignment by FAR.  A 6.0 out of 6.0.  Her highest before this was a 4.9.  I’m so proud!  Here it is: 
 
People often debate whether or not eating in school should be allowed. It is rather widely regarded as a social faux pas, and is therefore cruelly disregarded as unhelpful, or diminishing. In my humble opinion, consuming nutrients within the confines of the hollowed halls of a classroom should not only not be allowed, but also severely punished. Within the boundaries of this essay, I shall, in the first paragraph, talk about why the rule is in place and held so rigidly, in the second paragraph, I shall chatter on about benign things such as why I think the rule should remain active, and food should still be retained to the lunch room. In the third paragraph, I shall speak for extreme length upon what harsh dooms could fall upon us if we allowed food into the sanctums of our glorious rooms of learning. In the last paragraph, I shall point out that we should not admonish those who do eat, but instead seek clemency for their foolish and wholly unconsidered actions.
         Within this paragraph, I shall why the rule is in place and held so rigidly. For this knowledge to be gleaned from simple thought, as if I was picking overripe apples from the tree of intellect, I must wonder back to the times wherein school was not as desired and loved as it is today; when our ancestors had only recently made the long, strenuous voyage across the sea, to build ramshackle schools, where attendance was sublime at best. At first, the smallest of children were allowed to consume snacks and be glad within the confines of the buildings, but all nutritive substances are like to attract vermin and insects, that feast upon discarded crumbs and morsels. This fear permeated the years, and worries upon infection or critters are why the rules against food consumption without the designated areas are so harshly enforced.
         In the endless reaches of the knowledge gleaned from this paragraph, I will speak upon why I believe that the rules should remain active. Oft it has been, when my stomach pines for sustenance, I will sit glumly within a classroom and dream of edible things. It makes my kind heart reach depths of sorrow, when, nearly overtaken by starvation, I see another child consuming such necessary nutrients as those I am, at that point in time, incapable of receiving. It is terribly cruel to any others who may be seeking food for themselves, to eat it in front of them, without even considering their extreme hunger and advanced stages of stomach implosion. 
         Now, in the miniscule space provided to me within the third paragraph, I shall ponder upon what harsh dooms could befall us if we were allowed to consume nutrients within the classroom. Perhaps, if we were allowed to eat within the classroom, nothing would happen, and we would remain unharmed, but perhaps this is simply wishful thinking, full of foolish thought, and avoidance to safety. However, I believe that if we were allowed to stave off starvation for as long as possible, by investing in such tomfoolery as eating, this entire premises would soon be overrun with small rodents, vermin, and other horrific beasts. The terror that would be brought upon us with the cruelty of these creatures would be worth no amount of sustenance.
         Now, within this final paragraph, I shall finish this work or wonder, by showing how we should grant those who do eat in such sacred places as the classroom clemency. Wherein all those who have read this shall know the foolishness of eating in the classroom, there will always be those fools who do not heed advice or warnings, and shall, disregarding all safety, eat in the classroom. If there are those who do this, we should not scorn them, but instead we should educate them upon the dangers of eating in the classroom. I hope that these words shall be considered and pondered with great length.

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